Breaking Patterns of Divorce

At the beginning of this semester, one exercise we did involved mapping out all the relationships within our four generations. One frightening pattern I found within the last two generations was a pattern of divorce. Shortly after, we learned that family patterns tend to continue without people realizing. Naturally, this made me worry about a marriage relationship in my future.

I began to wonder, "How can I break this pattern of divorce?" There are many reasons why people divorce and every relationship is unique to that couple. The list is long concerning the negative effects of divorce and remarriage especially when there are children involved. But I come from a blended family of yours, mine, and ours, and if divorce wasn't involved, I wouldn't be typing right now. So that in and of itself is a positive outcome ;).
I know that there are valid reasons for couples to separate, but I wanted to know how I can have a strong, successful marriage. After pondering on that question a lot, I came to the realization that all the things I have learned in this family relations class have been preparing me for a happy marriage. Not only that, I've had good examples in my life to look toward of what to do and what NOT to do. Ultimately, I believe that if each person in the relationship is living according to the Gospel of Jesus Christ, they have the greatest probability for success.

Here are some of my thoughts for having a successful marriage:

• Have a transparent relationship (open communication)
• Take responsibility for your own actions, don't place blame
• Have lots of shared experiences, quality and quantity time
• Clear boundaries need to be set for extended family members, you and your spouse have created a new family
• Before going into the marriage, you need to talk about what you want in your marriage and family
• Determine what each person's role will be in the family
• Understand that there will be stresses and problems that come to your relationship and family, and don't think the world is collapsing when they do!
• Develop a method of counseling with your spouse about big decisions, problems, etc. 
• Make a budget and make changes when necessary (TOGETHER)
• Work together in your parenting, and use the counsel method when you have problems
• Ultimately, tell your spouse you love them often and show it often

Parenting Styles

No one is prepared to be a parent, ever. No matter how many diapers you've changed or how many hours you've babysat, you will not be prepared for parenthood. Most of the time, new parents feel overwhelmed by their new roles and responsibilities, but eventually through trial and error (those poor oldest children) they come to a particular parenting style.

There are three styles of parenting: authoritative, authoritarian, and permissive.

Authoritative- these parents are very supportive, and they set clear boundaries and limits for their children to follow. They are firm, but they are fair.
Authoritarian- these parents give little support to their children. They set a lot of rules and they supervise closely. They can be referred to as dictators.
Permissive- these parents are very supportive of their children, but they set little to no limits and boundaries for them. They can be referred to as push overs and are likely to baby their children.

I feel like the majority of families have a mix of these styles, but one style is more prevalent than others. The ideal parenting style would be the authoritative approach. Children benefit the most and have better development if they are parented in an authoritative style. This style of parenting can be described as a parent saying, "I care and I'll give you the freedom you earn, but for safety reasons, you need to do as I say."

To me, the authoritative style sounds like the way our Heavenly Father parents us. The Lord loves us so very much and wants us to develop as individuals. He wants us to succeed in this earth life, so He has given is commandments to guide us in making the right decisions and to protect us from harm. Sin has great consequences and He doesn't want us to deal with them, but if we make wrong choices He has to allow us to receive the consequences. This ability to choose is granted to all of us. The Lord realizes that we have to make our own choices to develop and learn. Each of these principles, needs to be incorporated into any parenting style.

Common Cents

A lot of stress that appears in marriage comes from finances. Over 70% of divorcees have said that financial troubles played a role in their separation. So how do we combat the potential financial spats with our spouses and avoid stress for our families?

Marvin J. Ashton, a leader of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, gave an address that laid out 12 principles to financially live by. (I’ve attached the link to the full pamphlet at the end of this post so you can study the twelve principles more in depth).

These 12 principles include:

•   Pay an honest tithe (donation to the church)
•  Learn to manage your money before it manages you
• Learn self-discipline and self-restraint
•  Use a budget
• Teach family members early the importance of working and earning
• Teach children to make money decisions according to their understanding
• Teach each family member to contribute to the total family welfare
• Make education a continuing process
• Work toward home ownership
• Appropriately involve yourself in an insurance program
• Understand the influence of external forces on family finance and investments
• Appropriately involve yourself in food storage and emergency preparedness program

Some of these principles would seem like no-brainers to most people and some of these principles are foreign concepts to others. You would be surprised how many people do not live by the no-brainers. They go about their lives spending without a purpose or a plan, and then at the end of the month, they find themselves in a bind. Having financial trouble is like being enslaved. It’s this dark cloud that constantly hovers over you, but what everyone wants is a clear, sunny day. Money management leads to freedom.

One piece of counsel I have learned to live by is “Live within your means.” It’s simple, you don’t spend more than you earn. As a college student, life is frugal and you learn to be creative with how you spend your time and your money. I am grateful for this time in my life where I can develop good financial habits to be perpetuated into my future.

One for the Money

Careful Communication

I have mentioned several times that good communication is vital to a healthy relationship. It is crazy to think that we treat those we love the most with the most bitterness, sarcasm, anger, and malice. Most of us wouldn't dare treat a stranger or acquaintance like that, so why do we treat our loved ones worse? There's no doubt that we love them, so we should show that love a whole lot more often! A healthy relationship needs a great dose of love and our communication needs a great dose of love too!

Typically the first thing that comes to mind when someone mentions the word communication, people think about verbal communication. There are other ways including our tone and nonverbal (body language) communication. Some may be surprised to know that people pay more attention to nonverbal communication more than they give attention to words. We should be aware of how we present our message. Are you sassy or sarcastic? Do you fold your arms when you talk? Are you calm or excitable? How do you use your hands? What about your facial expressions? (I get in trouble with that one a lot!)

It's safe to say that we use communication all day, everyday. Now I want to talk about how we communicate with our spouses and families when we're making big decisions. This method of counseling is used by leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and many couples/families around the world.

1. Express love and appreciate to all that are involved
2. Open up the council meeting with a prayer
3. Discuss the matter in an attitude of humility until you come to a consensus
4. End the meeting with a prayer
5. Again express your love and gratitude with others

Can you imagine how nicely making family decisions would go if everyone followed this pattern? It's important to remember that this model isn't magic, each member of the family will need to have a cooperative and humble approach to the situation. This is a time for calm discussion of everyone's point of view, not just the main leaders of the family. You would be surprised how many good ideas come from those who usually remain quiet. They just need to be given the opportunity and a safe environment to share. There will be more peace in the home if families followed this pattern, and making decisions will be easier and more pleasant.

ABCX

Crisis and stress are things that come to every family at one point or another. It's just a part of life that we will all have to go through. Going back to my very first blog entry, I talked about symbolic interaction theory. This is where people have different perspectives and meanings that they associate with different events. This just proves that people are different from one another and they can experience something that someone else does not. For example, if two people go to a haunted house for some Halloween fun, one person might have the time of their life and the other person might be scared for their life. Although they experienced the same exact thing, they had two overall experiences that did not match up.

In stressful times, family members might be inclined to think that each person is experiencing the same thing as they are, but they could be dead wrong. Let's say that someone is getting married in the family. Blessed event right? Well, sometimes it causes stress in a family (this can also be good stress). The following model called the ABCX model shows how people process stressful events.

   A- actual event
   B- both resources and responses
+ C- cognition/perception 
  X- overall experience

So back to our marriage example, which is the actual event. A sister might be very happy for her brother and the future that is in store for him, but she also doesn't want him to leave the home because he keeps the family together. She feels pressure to take his place as a leader in the family, but she doesn't know if she'll be as good as him. Her overall experience consists of confused feelings- joy for the brother and nervous for her own future. On the other hand, a father would experience something different. With all of his life experience, he knows the problems that lie ahead of his son and his future wife. He feels a little comforted with the knowledge that he could financially help out if he really needs it. His overall experience may be one of worry.
This is just a simple example, but we can see how the same event within the same family can have different effects on people. We need to be aware that people have experiences and perspectives that don't match our own. This way we can be of more help to other family members and sensitive to their needs.

Safeguarding the Sacred

Marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman. The couple promises to love each other now and forever, they promise to be loyal to one another at all times. The Bible states, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). If they are to truly be one flesh, they will have to give themselves completely to each other and no one else.

The media of the world would suggest that married life is routine, boring, and mundane. We see plenty of TV shows, books, magazines, music, and movies that glamorize the secret life of affairs to escape an unsatisfying marriage. In the end, there is nothing glamorous about affairs! It leads to hurt, dissatisfaction, guilt, broken families, and broken people. First, I want to spell out the different ways one can be disloyal to their spouses. There are four types of an affair- fantasy, visual, romantic, and sexual.

Fantasy Affair- having an emotional attachment to someone who does not have knowledge of these feelings or with someone you have never met or will never meet.
Visual Affair- this usually involves uses of pornography and is categorized as physical because the one involved typically acts out sexually.
Romantic Affair- this occurs when an person is emotionally involved with someone other than their spouse.
Sexual Affair- this pretty self explanatory. It occurs when one gets sexually involved with someone other than their spouse and may or may not have emotional attachment.

These types of affairs and their beginnings can take many different forms, and sometimes people remain unaware of it until it's gone too far. It could start with "harmless" flirting. It also includes reuniting with your high school sweetheart or an ex over email, phone, and other forms of social media. It could also take form in fantasizing about someone that's not your spouse. Participating in pornography should be an obvious one. Being alone with someone of the opposite sex in seemingly casual circumstances can escalate too. There are many different ways that we can get caught in these traps, even unintentionally. So how do we safeguard against these situations?

Ezra Taft Benson said, "It is better to prepare and prevent than it is to repair and repent." This rings true for marriages. I believe that this topic needs to be discussed between couples because NO ONE is immune or exempt from temptation, and it will come!

• Be true to your marriage vows and covenants
• Commit to be loyal in thought, word, and action
• FLEE temptation! Don't walk, run!
• Don't complain about your spouse to others
• Serve one another often 
• Have your spouse on your mind and on your heart, they should be your number one (besides the Lord, of course)
• Spend loads of time together, stay in love 
• Practice good communication
• Make decisions now about what you will and will not do in situations with the opposite sex (for example, ride alone in a car for work purposes, have soul-searching conversations)
• Be selfless (you know what changes you need to make to accomplish this and if you don't, pray about it!)

Reference: Gardner, S. & Greiner, C. Infidelity: Protecting our Marriages.

Expectations for Marriage

There are four stages in a relationship- dating, courtship, engagement, and finally marriage. Dating is when people are going on dates with possibly more than one person. They're scoping out their prospects, having fun, getting to know people, and becoming familiar with what they like/dislike in a companion. Courtship begins when a couple decides to become exclusive, and these individuals are typically at a point in their lives where they are ready to be married. This does not mean that they will marry the person that they are exclusive with, but it requires a deeper sense of commitment. The engagement and marriage stages are pretty self explanatory. When a couple is engaged they plan to marry in the near future, but this relationship is not yet a binding contract. When a couple marries, they enter into a legal contract, and they are solely committed to one another.

I think it's safe to say that everyone regards communication as a necessary aspect in a relationship. But how much do people really communicate their expectations of marriage before they get married? Communication about expectations should happen well before marriage. Couples should probably start talking about goals and their views of marriage in their courtship. In the stage of courtship you are ready to be married, and you typically know what you want. If these expectations are not shared, couples will go into a marriage with their own "private contracts" and trouble will ensue. For example, a couple could be happily married for five years when their unspoken expectations cause a rift. The husband may think that at five years they will be ready to buy a home, and this will also mean they'll be ready to start a family. The wife was not aware of this assumption and she brings up her own expectations. She still wants to travel and get ahead in her career before they settle down in a home and start having children. Since they married later in life, the husband is concerned that they'll be too old to have children by the time she gets ahead in her career, travelling would hinder their ability to save money for a down payment on a home, etc (Lauer, p. 181-182). They would have avoided this conflict in their marriage if they had only been open with each other about their expectations from the start. Before marriage, you should do everything in your power to prepare yourself. Talking about what you want and need in a relationship is essential to yours and your spouses happiness.

Here are some things that you may want to discuss with your significant other if you are planning to get married. You can add more depending on your own needs.

• Finances 
• Employment or schooling
• Your new sexual relationship
• Traditions (old and new)
• Holidays (where and with whom will you spend them)
• Children (when and how many)
• Roles (who's responsible for what or will it be equal?)

Lauer, R.H. & J.C., (2012) Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy, Eighth Edition. New York, NY: McGraw Hill.

How to Love

Enjoy the video!....Have you enjoyed the video yet?....Seriously, watch it!

People use the phrase "falling in love" all the time! Can someone actually fall in love? Like gravity really has something to do with the whole process. Love isn't some hole we fall into on happen stance. But if you insist on falling in love, you can easily fall out of love so good luck with that!

Most Disney movies teach children that people should fall in love at first sight. This idea of love at first sight is giving people poor expectations of how to find someone to love. Just like Elsa says in the movie Frozen, you can't really know someone in a couple of hours (they could be some narcissistic, greedy prince charming who wants to take over your kingdom! What "your kingdom" might be. Trust me, you can find someone else that would be willing to finish your sandwiches). Knowing someone is one of the biggest factors to loving someone.

The following diagram shows the Relationship Attachment Model developed by Dr. John Van Epp, PhD in counseling/psychology. This model displays the amount of effort we should put into each critical aspect of a relationship. Here's how it goes: You shouldn't trust someone more than you know them, you shouldn't rely on someone more than you trust them, you shouldn't commit to someone more than you can rely on them, and so on. You get the picture. When these levels are thrown into disequilibrium, the relationship is also put at risk. When I was learning about this model, it was obvious to me that I need to know someone before I let myself become attached or love them.

Today I want to talk a little bit about how we can really get to know someone. Dr. Van Epp came up with an equation called the "KnoQuo." The equation includes three elements: Talk, Togetherness, and Time.

Talk- This implies an amount of mutual self-disclosure. How are you going to know someone if you never talk about yourselves? This is the time when you get to know their past, present, and future. You tell each other stories from your childhood, you tell each other your fears in life, you disclose your list of favorites, and you talk about your aspirations for the future. Something that is important to remember is that it's mutual, you both should be active participants in talking. One-sided conversations lead to one-sided relationships.

Togetherness- This principle implies that you take part in a variety of shared experiences. If your idea of being together consists solely of Netflix and Chinese takeout, how are you really going to get to know that person? Couples should go on dates and do activities that aren't routine. By being in different situations, you can see how a person reacts and interacts when placed in new, exciting, and challenging circumstances. For example, let's say you get off the couch from watching Netflix and decide to make a snowman together in the freezing tundra of Rexburg, Idaho! You might observe a couple things: Are they fun to work and play with? Do they complain about the cold constantly or stay positive despite their frozen toes? Are you left to do all the work or do you work together? Who takes control as the leader? Are they creative or critical? A variety of shared experiences is key to getting to know ALL sides of a person.

Say hello to Lola!

Time- Dr. Van Epp suggests that in order to truly know someone, you have to know them for a minimum of three months. Now, I realize that there are exceptions to this rule BUT! it is a great rule of thumb. It takes time to have a variety of shared experiences and to share your life stories with someone. Not only that, you begin to see who they truly are over time. Let's be honest, at first we all put on our best faces when we first meet someone. This isn't necessarily a bad thing because we want the other person to see all of our good qualities. But over time they get comfortable enough with you that the fronts they put up come down. They may not be any different than when you first met them, but we would want to know if that was not the case.

I've made my fair share of mistakes discerning if I was in love with someone or not. But don't worry, I've learned from those relationships. From learning about the subject and with experience, I know how love should be developed and how to keep that loving growing. I think I have a better grasp on this "love" thing. I would have to agree with the song, love is an open door.

Gender Roles in the Family

You can't talk about gender roles within a family without there being some sort of controversy in the  conversation. Today, I would like to address gender roles in terms of what the Lord wants for families. The Family: A Proclamation to the World, states that "...the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children." (Click here to see the full Proclamation on the Family) That's a pretty big deal, don't you think? It's a good thing that God has laid out His plan for us and He has given us the blue print for what He wants us to do as men and fathers, women and mothers.

Let's start with fathers. The Proclamation states, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families." The following video demonstrates the importance of father's and the need for them to perform their roles.

According to the Proclamation, "Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children." Although this statement may be short and concise, just take a minute to ponder what is included in nurturing children-- A LOT! (Ask any mother you know). It's widely accepted that women are typically more caring and nurturing, so this would only make sense that mothers would take the lead in helping children grow, learn and develop. Whoever said "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world" is not mistaken. Mothers have such a great influence on their children! So, in no way, shape, or form should we EVER diminish a woman's role as a mother.

Some of the time, people complain about these roles as being not fair or oppressive, but the Lord gives us counsel that, "In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." In any good relationship, each spouse strives to help the other whenever possible. This means that the father isn't the only leader in the home and the mother isn't the only one changing diapers and making dinner.

Family Culture

In today's society we put a lot of value on the social class of an individual or a family. We define this family's social class by wealth, what neighborhood the live in, the size of their house and car, their last name, the clothes they wear, their circle of friends, where they shop, and their occupations. Unfortunately, sometimes it is by these materialistic things that we define the overall success of the family. But I would like to offer another option. The culture that we develop in our families is much more important than supposed social class that we have within our communities.



Families come from all different cultural, ethnic and religious backgrounds with different beliefs, practices and traditions. Each culture's practices do not satisfy everyone, but each culture has something to offer it's members. While countries and groups of people have their own culture, each family unit should develop their own family culture. In my Parenting class this semester, we are talking about family mission statements. I may have heard of this concept once or twice before, but I had never put much thought into it. We've been challenged to create our own family mission statement, so I have had to reflect on what I want for my future family. What kind of culture would help my family grow and reach their full potential? I would challenge everyone to think about their own family culture and think about creating a family mission statement.

Here is my first attempt at creating a family mission statement. Good luck with yours!

The Wheelock Family Mission Statement

Our family will foster an environment “…founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ…” and practice the “principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work and wholesome recreational activities.” We desire to reach our full potential as followers of Christ both as individuals and as a family. We promise ourselves and especially the Lord that we will live by these standards and the following goals we have set forth.

Faith

·         We will put the Lord as the number one priority in our lives

·         We will attend all of our meetings together in all appropriate situations

·         We will hold daily family prayer, scripture study and weekly family home evening

·         Parents (and children of age) will attend the temple at least once a month

Family Relationships

·         We will eat dinner together every night

·         We will support each in one another’s activities

·         We will meet each night as a family before prayer to regroup

Fitness and Health

·         The entire family, all together, will engage in at least two monthly cardio activities of the family’s choosing

·         We will keep one another accountable in eating a balanced diet by trying new foods and creating a weekly grocery list together

Finance

·         All members will pay an honest tithe and donate a generous fast offering

·         Parents will save 10% of paycheck (towards missions, college, vacations, etc.)

·         Parents will create a family budget and follow it!

·         We will spend to meet the needs of the family and discuss spending money on our “wants” as a family

What are you "Sinking?"

Miscommunication can be a problem, a BIG problem. This video is just a comical example. People often say that good communication is vital to a healthy, happy relationship, and it's true!

In social sciences a theory is used to explain certain phenomenon. One theory that regards phenomenon within the family system is called Symbolic Interaction Theory. This theory explains that each person is influenced and molded by their interactions and experiences. But one of the most important parts of this theory is how the individual defines each situation they are put in. Our unique perceptions come from many factors such as how we were raised, the influences we have at school and work and the other relationships we have.

An example of this theory in real life was my first semester at college. In my teenage years, I developed a sense of humor that was based in sarcasm. When I met my roommates for the first time, I didn't notice anything amiss, and it wasn't until later in the semester that we talked about the first impressions we had of each other. Almost all of them told me that they were scared of me in the beginning. They took my sarcastic nature as rudeness even though I did not intend for it to come across that way. Eventually, they discovered this was my way of joking and teasing. (Don't worry, I've changed). This goes to show that the way that people perceive a situation is very important to how they develop impressions and how relationships are formed.

Relationships are based on communication- the words we speak, the gestures we make, the facial expressions we show, and the message our body language gives off. All of these aspects of communication can be interpreted differently by everyone according to the Symbolic Interaction Theory. We all should seek to be patient with others as we try to understand how the communicate and how they perceive what we communicate to them. Awareness of this concept will increase our understanding of others and it will help us avoid offense and potentially a broken relationship.

Changing Family Patterns

Many people within the realm of politics and economics refer to this generation of young adults and youth as "Millennials." The patterns that concern marriage and family for us Millennials have changed drastically since the time of the Baby Boomers. The following list displays the areas that have changed within the last 60 years. 

Patterns that are Increasing:

• Premarital sex
• Births to unmarried women
• People living alone
• Cohabitation
• Delayed marriage
• Employed mothers of young children
• Divorce rates

Patterns that are Decreasing:

• Birth rates 
• Household size

This week in my Family Relations class, we talked about these patterns of marriage and family in society as it pertains to families in the world today. It was troubling to see these patterns occurring in the general public sphere and it was especially troubling to know that they are projected to continue in the direction they are headed now. My main concern about these patterns is the effect that they will have on the upcoming generations. Outside of a religious foundation, it will be very hard for the future children to discern what is best for them because these patterns of cohabitation, premarital sex, divorce, and working mothers are now the norm. The idea of what a family and marriage are is now becoming relative to whatever someone feels suits them best. I know that this is contrary to what the Lord had intended for His children. He laid out the pattern of marriage and family since before the world was formed. His plan will lead to happiness, yet the world is quickly abandoning His way.

Despite the family and marriage turmoil that exists in the world today, I feel confident in having a successful marriage and raising a successful family. The Lord has provided us with the scriptures, the doctrine on the family, programs for the family, and counsel from His servants to help us come off conqueror in the last days. These troubling patterns are not new to this generation of Millennials, and I still grew up in a great home with noble parents who taught me the Gospel. It’s my personal belief that they were successful in raising us. I feel like this righteous generation is proof that you can live in the world but not of the world. I can only imagine how strong my children will be because they have to be. Living the Gospel of Jesus Christ gives me hope for a strong future marriage and family. 

Lauer, R.H. & J.C., (2012) Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy, Eighth Edition. New York, NY: McGraw Hill.

About Me

Hello everyone! My name is LeeAndra Wheelock, and I am a student at Brigham Young University-Idaho studying child development. The purpose of this blog is to share insights, experiences, and stories about topics dealing with family relations. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I believe the family is central to our lives and God's plan for our happiness. I hope to share ideas and principles that will be beneficial for my own future family and for anyone else who wants to listen! :)