Expectations for Marriage

There are four stages in a relationship- dating, courtship, engagement, and finally marriage. Dating is when people are going on dates with possibly more than one person. They're scoping out their prospects, having fun, getting to know people, and becoming familiar with what they like/dislike in a companion. Courtship begins when a couple decides to become exclusive, and these individuals are typically at a point in their lives where they are ready to be married. This does not mean that they will marry the person that they are exclusive with, but it requires a deeper sense of commitment. The engagement and marriage stages are pretty self explanatory. When a couple is engaged they plan to marry in the near future, but this relationship is not yet a binding contract. When a couple marries, they enter into a legal contract, and they are solely committed to one another.

I think it's safe to say that everyone regards communication as a necessary aspect in a relationship. But how much do people really communicate their expectations of marriage before they get married? Communication about expectations should happen well before marriage. Couples should probably start talking about goals and their views of marriage in their courtship. In the stage of courtship you are ready to be married, and you typically know what you want. If these expectations are not shared, couples will go into a marriage with their own "private contracts" and trouble will ensue. For example, a couple could be happily married for five years when their unspoken expectations cause a rift. The husband may think that at five years they will be ready to buy a home, and this will also mean they'll be ready to start a family. The wife was not aware of this assumption and she brings up her own expectations. She still wants to travel and get ahead in her career before they settle down in a home and start having children. Since they married later in life, the husband is concerned that they'll be too old to have children by the time she gets ahead in her career, travelling would hinder their ability to save money for a down payment on a home, etc (Lauer, p. 181-182). They would have avoided this conflict in their marriage if they had only been open with each other about their expectations from the start. Before marriage, you should do everything in your power to prepare yourself. Talking about what you want and need in a relationship is essential to yours and your spouses happiness.

Here are some things that you may want to discuss with your significant other if you are planning to get married. You can add more depending on your own needs.

• Finances 
• Employment or schooling
• Your new sexual relationship
• Traditions (old and new)
• Holidays (where and with whom will you spend them)
• Children (when and how many)
• Roles (who's responsible for what or will it be equal?)

Lauer, R.H. & J.C., (2012) Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy, Eighth Edition. New York, NY: McGraw Hill.