How to Love

Enjoy the video!....Have you enjoyed the video yet?....Seriously, watch it!

People use the phrase "falling in love" all the time! Can someone actually fall in love? Like gravity really has something to do with the whole process. Love isn't some hole we fall into on happen stance. But if you insist on falling in love, you can easily fall out of love so good luck with that!

Most Disney movies teach children that people should fall in love at first sight. This idea of love at first sight is giving people poor expectations of how to find someone to love. Just like Elsa says in the movie Frozen, you can't really know someone in a couple of hours (they could be some narcissistic, greedy prince charming who wants to take over your kingdom! What "your kingdom" might be. Trust me, you can find someone else that would be willing to finish your sandwiches). Knowing someone is one of the biggest factors to loving someone.

The following diagram shows the Relationship Attachment Model developed by Dr. John Van Epp, PhD in counseling/psychology. This model displays the amount of effort we should put into each critical aspect of a relationship. Here's how it goes: You shouldn't trust someone more than you know them, you shouldn't rely on someone more than you trust them, you shouldn't commit to someone more than you can rely on them, and so on. You get the picture. When these levels are thrown into disequilibrium, the relationship is also put at risk. When I was learning about this model, it was obvious to me that I need to know someone before I let myself become attached or love them.

Today I want to talk a little bit about how we can really get to know someone. Dr. Van Epp came up with an equation called the "KnoQuo." The equation includes three elements: Talk, Togetherness, and Time.

Talk- This implies an amount of mutual self-disclosure. How are you going to know someone if you never talk about yourselves? This is the time when you get to know their past, present, and future. You tell each other stories from your childhood, you tell each other your fears in life, you disclose your list of favorites, and you talk about your aspirations for the future. Something that is important to remember is that it's mutual, you both should be active participants in talking. One-sided conversations lead to one-sided relationships.

Togetherness- This principle implies that you take part in a variety of shared experiences. If your idea of being together consists solely of Netflix and Chinese takeout, how are you really going to get to know that person? Couples should go on dates and do activities that aren't routine. By being in different situations, you can see how a person reacts and interacts when placed in new, exciting, and challenging circumstances. For example, let's say you get off the couch from watching Netflix and decide to make a snowman together in the freezing tundra of Rexburg, Idaho! You might observe a couple things: Are they fun to work and play with? Do they complain about the cold constantly or stay positive despite their frozen toes? Are you left to do all the work or do you work together? Who takes control as the leader? Are they creative or critical? A variety of shared experiences is key to getting to know ALL sides of a person.

Say hello to Lola!

Time- Dr. Van Epp suggests that in order to truly know someone, you have to know them for a minimum of three months. Now, I realize that there are exceptions to this rule BUT! it is a great rule of thumb. It takes time to have a variety of shared experiences and to share your life stories with someone. Not only that, you begin to see who they truly are over time. Let's be honest, at first we all put on our best faces when we first meet someone. This isn't necessarily a bad thing because we want the other person to see all of our good qualities. But over time they get comfortable enough with you that the fronts they put up come down. They may not be any different than when you first met them, but we would want to know if that was not the case.

I've made my fair share of mistakes discerning if I was in love with someone or not. But don't worry, I've learned from those relationships. From learning about the subject and with experience, I know how love should be developed and how to keep that loving growing. I think I have a better grasp on this "love" thing. I would have to agree with the song, love is an open door.