Parenting Styles

No one is prepared to be a parent, ever. No matter how many diapers you've changed or how many hours you've babysat, you will not be prepared for parenthood. Most of the time, new parents feel overwhelmed by their new roles and responsibilities, but eventually through trial and error (those poor oldest children) they come to a particular parenting style.

There are three styles of parenting: authoritative, authoritarian, and permissive.

Authoritative- these parents are very supportive, and they set clear boundaries and limits for their children to follow. They are firm, but they are fair.
Authoritarian- these parents give little support to their children. They set a lot of rules and they supervise closely. They can be referred to as dictators.
Permissive- these parents are very supportive of their children, but they set little to no limits and boundaries for them. They can be referred to as push overs and are likely to baby their children.

I feel like the majority of families have a mix of these styles, but one style is more prevalent than others. The ideal parenting style would be the authoritative approach. Children benefit the most and have better development if they are parented in an authoritative style. This style of parenting can be described as a parent saying, "I care and I'll give you the freedom you earn, but for safety reasons, you need to do as I say."

To me, the authoritative style sounds like the way our Heavenly Father parents us. The Lord loves us so very much and wants us to develop as individuals. He wants us to succeed in this earth life, so He has given is commandments to guide us in making the right decisions and to protect us from harm. Sin has great consequences and He doesn't want us to deal with them, but if we make wrong choices He has to allow us to receive the consequences. This ability to choose is granted to all of us. The Lord realizes that we have to make our own choices to develop and learn. Each of these principles, needs to be incorporated into any parenting style.

Common Cents

A lot of stress that appears in marriage comes from finances. Over 70% of divorcees have said that financial troubles played a role in their separation. So how do we combat the potential financial spats with our spouses and avoid stress for our families?

Marvin J. Ashton, a leader of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, gave an address that laid out 12 principles to financially live by. (I’ve attached the link to the full pamphlet at the end of this post so you can study the twelve principles more in depth).

These 12 principles include:

•   Pay an honest tithe (donation to the church)
•  Learn to manage your money before it manages you
• Learn self-discipline and self-restraint
•  Use a budget
• Teach family members early the importance of working and earning
• Teach children to make money decisions according to their understanding
• Teach each family member to contribute to the total family welfare
• Make education a continuing process
• Work toward home ownership
• Appropriately involve yourself in an insurance program
• Understand the influence of external forces on family finance and investments
• Appropriately involve yourself in food storage and emergency preparedness program

Some of these principles would seem like no-brainers to most people and some of these principles are foreign concepts to others. You would be surprised how many people do not live by the no-brainers. They go about their lives spending without a purpose or a plan, and then at the end of the month, they find themselves in a bind. Having financial trouble is like being enslaved. It’s this dark cloud that constantly hovers over you, but what everyone wants is a clear, sunny day. Money management leads to freedom.

One piece of counsel I have learned to live by is “Live within your means.” It’s simple, you don’t spend more than you earn. As a college student, life is frugal and you learn to be creative with how you spend your time and your money. I am grateful for this time in my life where I can develop good financial habits to be perpetuated into my future.

One for the Money

Careful Communication

I have mentioned several times that good communication is vital to a healthy relationship. It is crazy to think that we treat those we love the most with the most bitterness, sarcasm, anger, and malice. Most of us wouldn't dare treat a stranger or acquaintance like that, so why do we treat our loved ones worse? There's no doubt that we love them, so we should show that love a whole lot more often! A healthy relationship needs a great dose of love and our communication needs a great dose of love too!

Typically the first thing that comes to mind when someone mentions the word communication, people think about verbal communication. There are other ways including our tone and nonverbal (body language) communication. Some may be surprised to know that people pay more attention to nonverbal communication more than they give attention to words. We should be aware of how we present our message. Are you sassy or sarcastic? Do you fold your arms when you talk? Are you calm or excitable? How do you use your hands? What about your facial expressions? (I get in trouble with that one a lot!)

It's safe to say that we use communication all day, everyday. Now I want to talk about how we communicate with our spouses and families when we're making big decisions. This method of counseling is used by leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and many couples/families around the world.

1. Express love and appreciate to all that are involved
2. Open up the council meeting with a prayer
3. Discuss the matter in an attitude of humility until you come to a consensus
4. End the meeting with a prayer
5. Again express your love and gratitude with others

Can you imagine how nicely making family decisions would go if everyone followed this pattern? It's important to remember that this model isn't magic, each member of the family will need to have a cooperative and humble approach to the situation. This is a time for calm discussion of everyone's point of view, not just the main leaders of the family. You would be surprised how many good ideas come from those who usually remain quiet. They just need to be given the opportunity and a safe environment to share. There will be more peace in the home if families followed this pattern, and making decisions will be easier and more pleasant.

ABCX

Crisis and stress are things that come to every family at one point or another. It's just a part of life that we will all have to go through. Going back to my very first blog entry, I talked about symbolic interaction theory. This is where people have different perspectives and meanings that they associate with different events. This just proves that people are different from one another and they can experience something that someone else does not. For example, if two people go to a haunted house for some Halloween fun, one person might have the time of their life and the other person might be scared for their life. Although they experienced the same exact thing, they had two overall experiences that did not match up.

In stressful times, family members might be inclined to think that each person is experiencing the same thing as they are, but they could be dead wrong. Let's say that someone is getting married in the family. Blessed event right? Well, sometimes it causes stress in a family (this can also be good stress). The following model called the ABCX model shows how people process stressful events.

   A- actual event
   B- both resources and responses
+ C- cognition/perception 
  X- overall experience

So back to our marriage example, which is the actual event. A sister might be very happy for her brother and the future that is in store for him, but she also doesn't want him to leave the home because he keeps the family together. She feels pressure to take his place as a leader in the family, but she doesn't know if she'll be as good as him. Her overall experience consists of confused feelings- joy for the brother and nervous for her own future. On the other hand, a father would experience something different. With all of his life experience, he knows the problems that lie ahead of his son and his future wife. He feels a little comforted with the knowledge that he could financially help out if he really needs it. His overall experience may be one of worry.
This is just a simple example, but we can see how the same event within the same family can have different effects on people. We need to be aware that people have experiences and perspectives that don't match our own. This way we can be of more help to other family members and sensitive to their needs.

Safeguarding the Sacred

Marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman. The couple promises to love each other now and forever, they promise to be loyal to one another at all times. The Bible states, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). If they are to truly be one flesh, they will have to give themselves completely to each other and no one else.

The media of the world would suggest that married life is routine, boring, and mundane. We see plenty of TV shows, books, magazines, music, and movies that glamorize the secret life of affairs to escape an unsatisfying marriage. In the end, there is nothing glamorous about affairs! It leads to hurt, dissatisfaction, guilt, broken families, and broken people. First, I want to spell out the different ways one can be disloyal to their spouses. There are four types of an affair- fantasy, visual, romantic, and sexual.

Fantasy Affair- having an emotional attachment to someone who does not have knowledge of these feelings or with someone you have never met or will never meet.
Visual Affair- this usually involves uses of pornography and is categorized as physical because the one involved typically acts out sexually.
Romantic Affair- this occurs when an person is emotionally involved with someone other than their spouse.
Sexual Affair- this pretty self explanatory. It occurs when one gets sexually involved with someone other than their spouse and may or may not have emotional attachment.

These types of affairs and their beginnings can take many different forms, and sometimes people remain unaware of it until it's gone too far. It could start with "harmless" flirting. It also includes reuniting with your high school sweetheart or an ex over email, phone, and other forms of social media. It could also take form in fantasizing about someone that's not your spouse. Participating in pornography should be an obvious one. Being alone with someone of the opposite sex in seemingly casual circumstances can escalate too. There are many different ways that we can get caught in these traps, even unintentionally. So how do we safeguard against these situations?

Ezra Taft Benson said, "It is better to prepare and prevent than it is to repair and repent." This rings true for marriages. I believe that this topic needs to be discussed between couples because NO ONE is immune or exempt from temptation, and it will come!

• Be true to your marriage vows and covenants
• Commit to be loyal in thought, word, and action
• FLEE temptation! Don't walk, run!
• Don't complain about your spouse to others
• Serve one another often 
• Have your spouse on your mind and on your heart, they should be your number one (besides the Lord, of course)
• Spend loads of time together, stay in love 
• Practice good communication
• Make decisions now about what you will and will not do in situations with the opposite sex (for example, ride alone in a car for work purposes, have soul-searching conversations)
• Be selfless (you know what changes you need to make to accomplish this and if you don't, pray about it!)

Reference: Gardner, S. & Greiner, C. Infidelity: Protecting our Marriages.