There are four stages in a relationship- dating, courtship, engagement, and finally marriage. Dating is when people are going on dates with possibly more than one person. They're scoping out their prospects, having fun, getting to know people, and becoming familiar with what they like/dislike in a companion. Courtship begins when a couple decides to become exclusive, and these individuals are typically at a point in their lives where they are ready to be married. This does not mean that they will marry the person that they are exclusive with, but it requires a deeper sense of commitment. The engagement and marriage stages are pretty self explanatory. When a couple is engaged they plan to marry in the near future, but this relationship is not yet a binding contract. When a couple marries, they enter into a legal contract, and they are solely committed to one another.
I think it's safe to say that everyone regards communication as a necessary aspect in a relationship. But how much do people really communicate their expectations of marriage before they get married? Communication about expectations should happen well before marriage. Couples should probably start talking about goals and their views of marriage in their courtship. In the stage of courtship you are ready to be married, and you typically know what you want. If these expectations are not shared, couples will go into a marriage with their own "private contracts" and trouble will ensue. For example, a couple could be happily married for five years when their unspoken expectations cause a rift. The husband may think that at five years they will be ready to buy a home, and this will also mean they'll be ready to start a family. The wife was not aware of this assumption and she brings up her own expectations. She still wants to travel and get ahead in her career before they settle down in a home and start having children. Since they married later in life, the husband is concerned that they'll be too old to have children by the time she gets ahead in her career, travelling would hinder their ability to save money for a down payment on a home, etc (Lauer, p. 181-182). They would have avoided this conflict in their marriage if they had only been open with each other about their expectations from the start. Before marriage, you should do everything in your power to prepare yourself. Talking about what you want and need in a relationship is essential to yours and your spouses happiness.
Here are some things that you may want to discuss with your significant other if you are planning to get married. You can add more depending on your own needs.
Finances
Employment or schooling
Your new sexual relationship
Traditions (old and new)
Holidays (where and with whom will you spend them)
Children (when and how many)
Roles (who's responsible for what or will it be equal?)
Lauer, R.H. & J.C., (2012) Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy, Eighth Edition. New York, NY: McGraw Hill.
Enjoy the video!....Have you enjoyed the video yet?....Seriously, watch it!
People use the phrase "falling in love" all the time! Can someone actually fall in love? Like gravity really has something to do with the whole process. Love isn't some hole we fall into on happen stance. But if you insist on falling in love, you can easily fall out of love so good luck with that!
Most Disney movies teach children that people should fall in love at first sight. This idea of love at first sight is giving people poor expectations of how to find someone to love. Just like Elsa says in the movie Frozen, you can't really know someone in a couple of hours (they could be some narcissistic, greedy prince charming who wants to take over your kingdom! What "your kingdom" might be. Trust me, you can find someone else that would be willing to finish your sandwiches). Knowing someone is one of the biggest factors to loving someone.
The following diagram shows the Relationship Attachment Model developed by Dr. John Van Epp, PhD in counseling/psychology. This model displays the amount of effort we should put into each critical aspect of a relationship. Here's how it goes: You shouldn't trust someone more than you know them, you shouldn't rely on someone more than you trust them, you shouldn't commit to someone more than you can rely on them, and so on. You get the picture. When these levels are thrown into disequilibrium, the relationship is also put at risk. When I was learning about this model, it was obvious to me that I need to know someone before I let myself become attached or love them.
Today I want to talk a little bit about how we can really get to know someone. Dr. Van Epp came up with an equation called the "KnoQuo." The equation includes three elements: Talk, Togetherness, and Time. Talk- This implies an amount of mutual self-disclosure. How are you going to know someone if you never talk about yourselves? This is the time when you get to know their past, present, and future. You tell each other stories from your childhood, you tell each other your fears in life, you disclose your list of favorites, and you talk about your aspirations for the future. Something that is important to remember is that it's mutual, you both should be active participants in talking. One-sided conversations lead to one-sided relationships.
Togetherness- This principle implies that you take part in a variety of shared experiences. If your idea of being together consists solely of Netflix and Chinese takeout, how are you really going to get to know that person? Couples should go on dates and do activities that aren't routine. By being in different situations, you can see how a person reacts and interacts when placed in new, exciting, and challenging circumstances. For example, let's say you get off the couch from watching Netflix and decide to make a snowman together in the freezing tundra of Rexburg, Idaho! You might observe a couple things: Are they fun to work and play with? Do they complain about the cold constantly or stay positive despite their frozen toes? Are you left to do all the work or do you work together? Who takes control as the leader? Are they creative or critical? A variety of shared experiences is key to getting to know ALL sides of a person.
Say hello to Lola!
Time- Dr. Van Epp suggests that in order to truly know someone, you have to know them for a minimum of three months. Now, I realize that there are exceptions to this rule BUT! it is a great rule of thumb. It takes time to have a variety of shared experiences and to share your life stories with someone. Not only that, you begin to see who they truly are over time. Let's be honest, at first we all put on our best faces when we first meet someone. This isn't necessarily a bad thing because we want the other person to see all of our good qualities. But over time they get comfortable enough with you that the fronts they put up come down. They may not be any different than when you first met them, but we would want to know if that was not the case.
I've made my fair share of mistakes discerning if I was in love with someone or not. But don't worry, I've learned from those relationships. From learning about the subject and with experience, I know how love should be developed and how to keep that loving growing. I think I have a better grasp on this "love" thing. I would have to agree with the song, love is an open door.
You can't talk about gender roles within a family without there being some sort of controversy in the conversation. Today, I would like to address gender roles in terms of what the Lord wants for families. The Family: A Proclamation to the World, states that "...the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children." (Click here to see the full Proclamation on the Family) That's a pretty big deal, don't you think? It's a good thing that God has laid out His plan for us and He has given us the blue print for what He wants us to do as men and fathers, women and mothers.
Let's start with fathers. The Proclamation states, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families." The following video demonstrates the importance of father's and the need for them to perform their roles.
According to the Proclamation, "Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children." Although this statement may be short and concise, just take a minute to ponder what is included in nurturing children-- A LOT! (Ask any mother you know). It's widely accepted that women are typically more caring and nurturing, so this would only make sense that mothers would take the lead in helping children grow, learn and develop. Whoever said "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world" is not mistaken. Mothers have such a great influence on their children! So, in no way, shape, or form should we EVER diminish a woman's role as a mother.
Some of the time, people complain about these roles as being not fair or oppressive, but the Lord gives us counsel that, "In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." In any good relationship, each spouse strives to help the other whenever possible. This means that the father isn't the only leader in the home and the mother isn't the only one changing diapers and making dinner.
